You would have no idea about how terrible I am feeling right now. I feel like shit, really and truly. How about a 5 or 6 month relationship ending, with the only person you've ever loved? That's the situation I am in right now, I am hating it so much. I know that I can't live without him, the problem is I also know he can live quite easily without me.
With Simon everything was so fucking perfect, now that's gone and I'm left with nothing. I'm so selfish, basically thinking he'd just stay with me and getting pissed when he wouldn't... Because that meant that he'd basically lose all his friends, who hated me when me and Simon slowly started drifting apart.
I just wish I was good enough for him, basically the only reason I can think of is that he couldn't handle the fact people would give him shit about me and my fucking stupid reputation. But then again I know I'll never be fucking good enough for him, I can't be. I'm not pretty enough, I'm not thin enough, I'm not fucking popular or have a 'good' reputation or whatever... Oh by the way isn't it strange that all the chicks he has liked have all been thin and beautiful - Louise, Anna O'Donoughue, Elly, Tessi, Andrea...
Yep, so fucking sue me, my ana/mia gets triggered by Simon. Whenever shit happens with him I just suddenly get this strange resolve, like 'super-resolve' or some shit, and drop heaps. And this time it scared me, 14 pounds in two weeks. But that's a good thing, eventually I have to be good enough for him.
All I wanted was to be loved by him, to have him feel the same way about me as I still do about him, but it was nothing more than a casual fling to him, wasn't it? It was just a stupid idea on my part, to think that I could ever be loved, much less by someone like Simon.
Just a piece of meat to be used, that's all I am. I don't deserve him, I'm just wishing we'll get back together though I know it's basically impossible. I'd give up absolutely anything, including my chance to go to James Ruse, to get back with him, I really want the feeling of happiness and bliss that he brought me.
And now that he's gone I'll never feel the same way and I know I'm destined to be unhappy forever. And I deserve it, I'm just one colossal fuck-up. No wonder he hates me so much, no wonder he doesn't even want to talk to me any more. Because if I was him, I wouldn't like me anyway. In fact, I'd fucking hate me.